Im starting over.

Fresh and clean now.
With a better approach of things.
With a cleaner will, a better becoming.

I want to be fearless, loving, strong, knowledgable, disciplined, but above all God loving, :)

What now?!

Its been nearly a month and still no concrete changes.
I tried, I fired up, I moved- but I lost fuel in between the battle.
The plan retaliated.

The key to change is in within me.
Im just not trying hard enough.
I've the power, just not the will.

Its time to....
change.
For real now.
For the best now.
For GOD now.

I believe, thus I am.

Starting Over

Well, its 6:41 PM exactly, and i've finally decided that I'm done with procrastinating. Done with all the bullshit ways that I've been living my life lately! and Ive finally made up my mind that I am going to finally and for the first time in my life, be responsible.

Yes you've read right! Be responsible.

All these I've put up with allowing myself to fall into slavery for all of life's indulgences and I'm pretty sure that It's gone me all the way down to we're I reside my sorry little ass right now.

Procrastinating over change and finally taking responsibility proved to be just as bad as every website i've ever searched for the keywords "starting over" to be like. Finally, Im taking charge of my life, finally Im done with apologizing and making excuses for myself. Finally! Im going to be responsible and take in charge of my life like it's suppose to be.

Who cares if I'm young, who cares if other people my age are spending their lazy asses slacking off somewhere in their delusional sanctuaries. I want a head start. Why should I conform to what I think is better!? I will no longer conform! Im done with it, Im living my life with an iron hand from now on! Im done with trying to live life to its laziest, slackiest, to the highest point of apathy!

Im in this neverending sentence of forever being caged in unapologetic guilt. Guilt, dirty, filthy guilt it is. The only thing thats been pushing me to do what is right, yes its guilt. Its like being ruled over by fear. I do not want to fear the creator, I want to return to being so in love with him, to wanting to genuinely serve him, to wanting to genuinely understand and feel deep within me this epiphamy that he actually has a purpose for me. Guilt, thats whispering in my ear whenever I see a shiny new thing that I can easily pilfer; whispering in my ear when Im confronred with more temptations... sex, money, men, food- everything! Everything feels like a sin, Why should I feel guilty for not sharing that last piece of chocolate that Im holding, Why should I feel guilty if I can't act all nicey nicey in front of everybody. Why!? can't I live life without this annoying guilt that's constantly nagging me on my ear! why!?

I want to be left alone.

I want to be able to be happy and not feel guilty for it!

I want to be able to indulge and not feel that I have to make up excuses for it!

I want to start being happy, I want to live life without guilt, without shame, without the excuses.

Just plain happy.

PLANS.

LEARN HTML && CSS
LEARN ADOBE
BE CONFiDENT && NiCE
BECOME FAMOUS
BECOME SOCiALLY iNCLiNED
GROW NiCE LONG HAiR
DONT HAVE A BOYFRiEND
BE CONTENT WiTH ONESELF
FiNALLY HAVE AN EXERCiSE ROUTiNE
HAVE A ViTAMiN SUPPLEMaENT HABiT
HAVE MORE CLOTHES
DEVELOP BETTER ATTiTUDE && THiNKiNG

LET THE SHOW BEGiN ♥

Hold Up.

Give me a few seconds to collect myself, recheck if I've got my lines down.

Yeah I have.

Then I guess, I see no more reason to delay the show, Let the curtains roll, && hit the spotlight on me.

Let's get this show on the road.

Im ready, and the crowd's ready.

&& Im more than willing to put on a show.

Shall I... begin?

Ok. :3

Here I Go.

Yuuki Cross

Lately, Ive been debating with myself..

concerning the type of person I will be ..

Should I be the disciplined, unattached, apathetic, but all knowing yet silent type kind of person;

or the vivacious, gay, lively, happy type of character who loves to help out and never means anyone harm and loves doing things for the best interest of others rather than herself.

So I was watching Vampire Knight, im down to several more episodes, and I was watching Yuuki closely, as I recalled past characters that are seemingly like her... Anime Heroines like Tohru Honda, Chii from Chobits. Seriously, is it necessary that the heroines act like helpless, naive, innocent little maidens ?! ftw is up with that..

Hehe.. well Chii- is kinda too stupid for me.. I like her cuteness and all.. but no.. no thanks.. too innocent. 

& Tohru is... well... she's just too much... too good. too far from me.. She's kinda too naive too :))

I dont know.. I just feel more attached to Yuuki's character maybe because she has a touch of both characters except for the fact that she becomes a bad-ass vampire in the end of the anime. :))

I like that.

I want to be just like that.

really.!

I think it's cool, I mean though Im trying to weigh things down...

I feel... the sophisticated yet bad-ass mean girl is kinda cute too.

But how about the total good girl?

They usually get what they want..

Hmm..

why don't I conduct an observation.

Well good girls, they usually get all the good publicity.

They get the nods of their parents, their peers, and they usually get much respect, But the world doesnt necessarily revolve around them.

While the apathetic, glamorous types aren't always too nice, they prefer being silent, all knowing and stuff, they don't feel the need to relate their personal feelings, cause they don't need any emotional footstool, if you know what I mean. 

Im thinking about conducting an experiment.

What am I to lose ?
im already in the lowest state of my being right now, it cant possibly hurt as bad or hurt at all if I end up here again.

:))

So it's fine. Failure for me is fine. Im numb. Ill live. If im meant to be a failure, Just a second rate. Then fine. Ill just keep going till I get it right all the way :P

So now ... Imma try the good girl first ? the happy, ecstatic, humble, loving, caring, open, kind of person.. hmm ?

The type of character Yuuki Cross is, kind, and caring, so concerned and never gets mad.

:0

Let's try ee.

LOCKDOWN.

From now on and forever...

Im having my heart on lock down

and no one

no one at all

ever ever!
can ever .. penetrate these chains that surround my heart.

I will never ever aspire to fall in love

...
falling in love will never be my virtue again.

I will mature myself..

and I will never be stupid again for love.

Never again!
will i let myself fall... 

for men.

for they are all evil vicious creatures

they dont deserve anything more than pain

blah

i create this covenant with myself...

That I will never fall in love

to the point that I will ever fall to this phase again

A feeling of discontent

as if this one man is the only reason why I breathe.

No, life should never be like this.

ruled by my foolery

FUCK.

i cant impress him.
im like.
desperately trying to make a conversation with him.
im glad he doesnt notice how desperate i am.
I feel awkward.
but i know he feels nothing.
:))

hehe.
so lame of me.
:))
poteeq

hehe
ill fix myself
somehow
one day
i will
:D

Oh Sweet Solitude.

Yeah .. Being single is so over.rated.
It makes me feel ugly.
Makes me feel super unattractive.
srsly,thats what I feel like when Im single.
&& its a fact that I dont have any other suitor aside from lexi.kun.
Which I still have zilch plans of taking to heart no matter what he does.
Im so tired, of being on the side spot.
You know, the spot just right beside the spot light.
ive lost my lime light.
It ran out, i dont know, maybe the batteries died on me and and needs really expensive and top of the line brand of batteries to get fixed.
Point is, I cant seem to attract anyone... anymore.
im like dying here.
HALOO!

My family life, is going downhill.
Nothing's going well.
Actually nothing ever did go well, well not too long in my life.
:(
well thats my life, not like I can do much about it.
Ill always be this desperate girl, who's always desperately trying to social climb and win people over with the intention of making life easier for her, but though she plans them so well, her insecurities always gets the best of her and now she feels stupid, weak and useless.
:))
Im so dumb, so ugly, so dying with these pimples on my forehead. Im dying in uglyness.
With this big humungous, gigantatious nose. Im so fucking insecure.
I cant even word it out exactly !
:))
i fucking hate my life.
Hate my mom.
Hate hate hate.
:))
damn. life is getting worst by the minute.
Im starting to doubt if there really is a GOd.
and if any amount of churching would actually be able to convince me that one does exist.!

FUCKiNG CONFUSED.

yeah . yeah.

Lately, ive been trying to figure things out, things in my life.

I just dont get it anymore. Maybe im just a bit too immature. 

Im always out and about hating and dissing about something.

What the fuck has gone into.

Im so stupid right now.

Im acting like a complete moron.

I hate being like this.

Talking with ppl feels awkward.

I feel inferior.

&& I dont know how to fix it.

I feel like Im socially incapable again.

Damn it.

Im so sick of trying to figure things out. 

So fed up with toasting my brain trying to come up with solutions to these stupid problems.

haha.

ka.amf.

you know what.

I give up.

I dont care.

I dont know.

I cant figure things out anymore.

Im so fucking confused.

grr .

Im so tired.

I just dont want any of this shit anymore.

Im done. Im through.

Ill figure it all out in the end.

For now, Ill just keep living like this !