Im starting over.

Fresh and clean now.
With a better approach of things.
With a cleaner will, a better becoming.

I want to be fearless, loving, strong, knowledgable, disciplined, but above all God loving, :)

What now?!

Its been nearly a month and still no concrete changes.
I tried, I fired up, I moved- but I lost fuel in between the battle.
The plan retaliated.

The key to change is in within me.
Im just not trying hard enough.
I've the power, just not the will.

Its time to....
change.
For real now.
For the best now.
For GOD now.

I believe, thus I am.

Starting Over

Well, its 6:41 PM exactly, and i've finally decided that I'm done with procrastinating. Done with all the bullshit ways that I've been living my life lately! and Ive finally made up my mind that I am going to finally and for the first time in my life, be responsible.

Yes you've read right! Be responsible.

All these I've put up with allowing myself to fall into slavery for all of life's indulgences and I'm pretty sure that It's gone me all the way down to we're I reside my sorry little ass right now.

Procrastinating over change and finally taking responsibility proved to be just as bad as every website i've ever searched for the keywords "starting over" to be like. Finally, Im taking charge of my life, finally Im done with apologizing and making excuses for myself. Finally! Im going to be responsible and take in charge of my life like it's suppose to be.

Who cares if I'm young, who cares if other people my age are spending their lazy asses slacking off somewhere in their delusional sanctuaries. I want a head start. Why should I conform to what I think is better!? I will no longer conform! Im done with it, Im living my life with an iron hand from now on! Im done with trying to live life to its laziest, slackiest, to the highest point of apathy!

Im in this neverending sentence of forever being caged in unapologetic guilt. Guilt, dirty, filthy guilt it is. The only thing thats been pushing me to do what is right, yes its guilt. Its like being ruled over by fear. I do not want to fear the creator, I want to return to being so in love with him, to wanting to genuinely serve him, to wanting to genuinely understand and feel deep within me this epiphamy that he actually has a purpose for me. Guilt, thats whispering in my ear whenever I see a shiny new thing that I can easily pilfer; whispering in my ear when Im confronred with more temptations... sex, money, men, food- everything! Everything feels like a sin, Why should I feel guilty for not sharing that last piece of chocolate that Im holding, Why should I feel guilty if I can't act all nicey nicey in front of everybody. Why!? can't I live life without this annoying guilt that's constantly nagging me on my ear! why!?

I want to be left alone.

I want to be able to be happy and not feel guilty for it!

I want to be able to indulge and not feel that I have to make up excuses for it!

I want to start being happy, I want to live life without guilt, without shame, without the excuses.

Just plain happy.